269: You’re A Trainwreck. (edition 2025)

Katja wrote this essay years and years ago, and it’s still a favorite. Today she needed to hear it again – yeah, you can do that with your own writing, it’s allowed, don’t worry – and she decided to share it with you. It’s about how so many of us think we’re the only trainwreck in any given room, and how we all have That Person in our lives (or just in our minds) who seems to really Have It All Together.

Why can’t I just get it together like That Person?, you think, like everyone does. Like even That Person does, Themselves, sometimes. Like someone might very well be thinking about… you! 🤯

We are all trainwrecks. Outward appearances aren’t the whole story, and it’s hard to get to know the people around us. So this experience is super common.

But don’t worry! There’s a lot we can do about it, starting with acknowledging the reality, then asking for help, then getting outside… and also – never doubt it – with a drink of tea. ☕

Some of our favorite nervines for these feelings include tulsi, betony, and calamus – but finding your own favorite herbs for these moments is the best way to help yourself.

Need to reign in your trainwreck?

Check out our Neurological & Emotional Health course. This course is a user’s guide to your nerves & your emotions – including the difficult and dark ones, the falling apart ones, the total disaster ones. We discuss holistic herbal strategies for addressing both neurological & psychological health issues. It includes a lengthy discussion of herbal pain management strategies, too!

Like all our offerings, this is a self-paced online video course, which comes with free access to twice-weekly live Q&A sessions, lifetime access to current & future course material, twice-weekly live Q&A sessions with us, open discussion threads integrated in each lesson, an active student community, study guides, quizzes & capstone assignments, and more!

If you have a moment, it would help us a lot if you could subscribe, rate, & review our podcast wherever you listen. This helps others find us more easily. Thank you!!

Our theme music is “Wings” by Nicolai Heidlas.

Episode Transcript

Katja (00:14):
Hi, I’m Katja. And I’m here at Commonwealth Holistic Herbalism in Boston, Massachusetts. And today is December – how did that happen – 17th. Also, how did that happen? And I have been hearing from my friends, and honestly, I have been feeling myself that I do not have it together. My friends don’t have it together. I don’t have it together. The holidays are here. Ryn’s birthday is on Friday. It’s on Saturday. It’s on Friday, Ryn’s birthday is on Friday. I am not together. Nothing is together. I do not feel fantastic. And you might be feeling the same way. And so I wanted to just have a little check-in and talk a little bit about not feeling fantastic, especially around the holidays. So, there is a blog post that I wrote, honestly, a long time ago, but it’s one of the most popular things on our website. And this morning I was feeling not together at all. And I was like I’m going to go read that blog post. I don’t know. It feels really dumb to read your own writing. But I was just like you know, I am a train wreck today. And I suddenly remember that I wrote that thing about feeling like a train wreck, and I want to go read it. And so then I wanted to make it part of the newsletter for today. But I was like nobody’s going to have time to read this. So, I need to make it audio so that you can listen to it while you are running errands or doing whatever.

Katja (02:09):
And that’s it. That’s going to be this episode of the podcast. Because you need to know that if you’re on the struggle bus. If you are feeling like nothing is together in your world right now. You’re not alone, and you’re not any less of an herbalist just because you’re on the struggle bus. You’re not any less of a person just because you don’t feel like you have everything Martha Stewarted all together. And I feel like we need to remind each other of that sometimes. And we need to remind each other that it is normal and okay to feel totally discombobulated, and that we have support for one another. So, there’s going to be herbal support. There’s going to be – I don’t know – moral support. There’s going to be whatever. And I should probably remind you about our disclaimer, but I don’t have it up on the screen. And despite that I have said it now 265 times or however many episodes of the podcast it is, I do not actually have it memorized. So, I’ll just remind you that we’re herbalist. We’re not doctors. None of this is medical advice. And it’s really just educational to help you maybe have an easier day today. There we go.

Katja (03:39):
All right, so I haven’t even reread this yet. I just knew that I needed to read it, and so I’m going to read it with you. This is my first read through. And I was like I need to hear that message today. So, let’s hear it together. Are you ready? Hi, my name is Katja. I’m a total train wreck. Hi, Katja. All right. Well, think about the last time you had this experience. You were in some public place, maybe at work, maybe at a party, maybe at a work party. Maybe it was with a bunch of moms, or guys at the gym, or other people in your community. And maybe you didn’t feel great that day. And you kind of picked something up off the floor that you’d worn two days ago and hadn’t gotten around to putting away yet. And you hoped it wasn’t too wrinkled or dirty because you just didn’t have the energy to figure out something nicer to put on. And you arrived at your location realizing you left something important at home, and you felt embarrassed about it. And you were just getting really down and low, working up a nice lather of awful feelings about this whole damn day and this awful event. And all you wanted was to be home in bed. And then across the room you see that person. You see that person around sometimes, and they’re always so together. Why can’t you have your act together like that person? That person always looks nice with clothes that are just right on a body that is just right, and hair that is always done right, or the right car, and the right sports skills, or whatever embodies right to you in this moment. And that person never forgets their important things at home. Whenever you talk to that person, everything always seems to be going right for them.

Why Can’t You Get It Together?

Katja (05:39):
Why can’t you just get it together like that person? And there you go. The whole rest of your day, or evening, or the event that you’re at you spend berating yourself that you’re not together like that person. That if only you were like that person, you would’ve put on something nice and clean for this event. And in fact, you would never leave clothes on your floor. You work up a whole imagined life for that person in which every aspect of every day is just right. And you compare yourself to it carefully noting all of the many ways in which you don’t make the mark. And then you proceed into whatever your habitual response is to a good bout of self-loathing. You vow to make some kind of doomed change like going to the gym before work every day and never eating another cookie again. Or instead you sink into a nice puddle of despair and splash around in it for a few days, much to your family’s, or roommate’s, or friend’s delight – not. Which you notice and then you add to your pile of reasons I hate me, or both consecutively. Sound familiar? It should. Because the reality is we are all train wrecks. Nobody has it together. Not even that person, despite outward appearances.

Katja (07:09):
And outward appearances are part of the problem. We live in a culture obsessed with appearance and combined with that, we live in a culture where we don’t really know the people around us. Everyone is too busy, and we move around a lot. So, we don’t know the whole story of everyone’s past anymore like people hundreds of years ago did, or honestly, even just when I was a kid, right? Sometimes that’s good. It’s liberating to have the chance to start over, but it’s also a hindrance. And now I lost my place. Oh, there it is. I do not have it together. Okay. But it’s also a hindrance because it fuels this idea that we can sometime achieve a state of not train wreckness. That we can leave all of our train wreckage behind us, and start fresh, and never do it again. And that’s not really possible.

Katja (08:05):
When I was a kid… I’m really going to say this out loud. When I was a kid, I was very embarrassed about going to the bathroom. I never wanted anyone to know that I ever even entered a restroom at any time ever. So, I would hold my pee for an entire day and not pee until the evening when I got home from school so that no one would know that I peed. This is dumb. Well, it was dumb. Everyone pees. Eventually I realized that this was dumb, and that everyone pees, and further that my kidneys did not love this habit that I had. And so at some point in my freshman year of high school, I started making myself go to the restroom promptly and furthermore, to announce I have to pee every time. When I wrote this I wrote in parentheses, I’m almost 42, and I still do it. And then later I must have updated it because I said I’m 50 now and yep, I still do it. Well y’all, I’ll be 52 in February, and I still do it. Ryn and the cats and the dog are the only people who hear me say I have to pee all the time. But I still say it.

Everyone is a Train Wreck, Sometimes

Katja (09:12):
This is a ridiculous story. But my point here is that whatever it is that you don’t want people to know, it’s not actually any different than peeing. Everyone has messy, smelly, wrinkled moments that they wish nobody knew about, or that they try to keep secret so that no one will. Everyone wants to appear to be together all of the time. No one wants anyone to know that they pee. So, we all go around trying to keep these secrets and trying to always put our best face forward. And we are all believing each other’s facades while we are feeling awful about our own. But there’s another way. Just be your own train wreck. Some days you’re feeling pretty good. Things seem to actually be going right, and you’re chugging along, and that’s great. Other days you experience a minor derailment, no problem. Just smile and remember that you’re a train wreck, and that we’re all train wrecks. And ask for some help if you need it and then get back on your way.

Katja (10:22):
But sometimes there is a massive wreck full of impressive explosions and freight spilled everywhere along the track for miles. And that’s okay too. It’s a mess, and it’s ugly, and it is wicked inconvenient. But it’s real. So, be honest about it. Ask your friends for help. Come up with a few simple sentences that you can use in public. Something like I’m going through some tough stuff at the moment, and I want to apologize that I’m a little distracted. And then just move through your day as best you can until you get it all cleaned up. That’s the beauty of acknowledging not only your own train wreck, but the universalness of train wreckage. When you’re not trying to hide it, you can ask for help. But further, when it’s just a normal part of your understanding of what it means to be human, you also don’t have to make a huge deal about it. You don’t have to get worked up and panicked. You don’t have to try to pretend like it isn’t happening. You don’t have to justify it by making it bigger than it is. You don’t have to hate yourself because it’s happening. And you don’t have to make promises that it will never happen again. You’re a person. You’re allowed to have a wreck sometimes. That’s all there is to it. So, if that sounds hard to accept, let’s go back to the pee example. You’re just allowed to go pee. You don’t have to make the need more urgent than it is to justify your need to pee. You don’t have to promise that if you pee this once, you’ll never have to pee again. You don’t have to pretend that you don’t have to pee. Just go pee. Peeing is a natural function of people. It turns out that train wreckage is also a natural function of being a person.

How to Get Moving Again

Katja (12:19):
So great, you’re wrecked. What do you do now? Here are some of my favorite ways to get myself moving again. First, ask for help. Find a friend you trust and tell them about train wreck theory. That’s not really a real theory. I totally made it up. But we’re going to call it a theory because it’s going to make your friend laugh. Train wreck theory. Make some plans about supporting each other the next time that you have a train wreck. And remind each other that hey, you’re a train wreck. It turns out that it’s such a ridiculous phrase, that being told by a caring friend that you’re a train wreck can insert a moment of humor into the situation. That’s generally just what you need to allow yourself to shift your perspective. Especially since you and your friend will have already discussed train wreckage. And so the phrase will have meaning between you. And that means that compassion comes along with the humor. Once you feel your perspective start to shift, then you can move on to figuring out what you need to get yourself up and going again. And believe it or not, every time that you do it, recovering from a train wreck gets easier.

Katja (13:34):
All right. Another thing that helps a lot is get outside. When we humans surround ourselves only with humans and things made by humans, we get really trapped in our games. When we go out into the rest of the world, and we listen to the trees, and we watch the squirrels and the birds. When we see plants growing, and also when we see them dying back. Or right now because it’s December, struggling under the weight of the cold, and the snow, and the ice. In the observance of these things, we can understand what it is to be human. If we only ever compare ourselves to other humans, we get very wrapped up in artificial constructs. When we put ourselves back into connection with our context, which is the whole rest of the world. We can understand who we are, and we can take our human games less seriously. Another thing that can help is find an elder. And by this I mean an elder person. Although if you don’t have a trusted elder in your life, you could also find an elder tree or elder bush, depending on how tall it is. Elders have beautiful perspective on these kinds of things. If there’s an elder in your life who you trust and respect, cultivate a practice of sharing your train wrecks with them in humility. You might find that you can laugh together about them. And furthermore, they might have some really good advice for you. They may have had train wrecks just like yours many times in the past.

Katja (15:07):
Pema Chodron is an amazing wise woman and elder. She’s written a lot of books, all of which can be helpful, but my favorite is called When Things Fall Apart. And so if you’re feeling like train wreck theory resonates with you, but you don’t really have anyone you feel safe to talk about this stuff to, then maybe try that book. It helped me a lot through an enormous train wrecky time in my life. You can give yourself 15 minutes at the beginning and end of each day to just read a page or two, and then just think about it. You can call it meditation. Meditation is whatever it is for you. It doesn’t have to look like something particular. But if you don’t have an elder in your life, maybe that will be helpful.

Get Some Herbs Into You

Katja (15:53):
And finally, have some tea, or tincture, or whatever way you like to get herbs into you. Just the act of making tea for yourself is a wonderful first step in getting yourself going again. It’s all about doing something to shift your perspective. There are plants who can help you encourage that shift. I particularly like tulsi. For this work, it is my pick yourself up and dust yourself off herb of choice. Whether you’re experiencing a minor derailment or an all-out multi-car pile-up, tulsi can help you get things moving again. You could add linden as well. I like to call linden a hug in a mug. And together these two herbs are just what you need: one to give you a hug, the other to help you back up. Some other herbs that I really find helpful, wood betony is so grounding. And usually when I’m a train wreck, that train wreck is actually in my head. I haven’t actually had a vehicular accident, you know what I mean? The accident is not usually tangible. Maybe I spilled something, maybe I this or that or whatever. But usually the problem is in my head. And wood betony is really good at getting me out of my head and back into a place that is more connected with reality. Calamus is another herb that is super helpful for that.

Katja (17:20):
Both of these though, if you feel like you’re not really in a safe place, then just pulling yourself into the present might not be entirely comforting. So, I like to add rose into this sort of a situation, or motherwort, or yarrow because these are herbs that can help you feel emotionally safe. So, you’re combining that herbal assistance in coming into the present with the herbal assistance of feeling like you have some safety. And if you’re feeling thin skinned because everything’s a train wreck, it gives you that feeling of thickening up a little bit. Having a little bit of armor or having a little bit of protection so that you feel strong enough to be like all right. Let’s just stop this story in my head and start a new story, you know? That’s not easy to do. So, it is really helpful to give yourself a little feeling of safety when you’re doing that kind of work.

Katja (18:37):
Whatever you do. The most important thing to remember is that to train wreck is human. We all do it, even that person. So, there you go. That’s what I wanted to share today. Maybe you got this far, and you’re still over there thinking no, no. I’m singing carols, and I’m feeling great. And I have things for everyone on my list and all the other things. And if that’s you, I am wicked excited for you right now because that’s awesome. But if you are listening to this, and you’re like yeah. I am a wreck. Hey, you should know I’m also a wreck. It’s okay. It’s okay. Whoever it is that you’re looking at right now and thinking I wish I was like them. I wish I had it together. If I were like them, this would never be happening. I guarantee you, sure. Maybe they are feeling pretty good right now. But a month from now or a month ago, they were a train wreck too. It happens to all of us.

Katja (19:46):
All right, so this is the part of the podcast where Ryn would remind me that I should tell you that we are still having our 20% sale on all of our online herbal education materials. All of our courses, all of our long programs, the whole nine yards. That sale goes for the entire month of December. And the code that you will need is CALENDULA. Use that code at checkout. And you can find all of our courses, especially the Neurological & Emotional Health course. Because if you’re feeling like a train wreck, you might need some emotional pick me up herbs. But all of our courses you will find at online.commonwealthherbs.com, and the code is CALENDULA. You won’t forget because there’s a banner up at the top to that tells you the code is CALENDULA to get 20% off. All right. And then this is also the time when Ryn would say take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Drink some tea. And remember, we’re all train wrecks. Bye-Bye.